Dopestrong!

Hello world,  

   I was planning to do this in a video- but I have this huge pimple right under my lips and to try match the color tone of foundation with my skin is awfully hard. So I’ll just write this down anyway.

   So two big stories caught everyone’s eye last week. Very evidently, 2013 struck as lightning for a lot of people around the globe. Amazing how a guy on a cycle can draw so much criticism for the use of one word- Dope. But enough about Yo Yo Honey Singh and his music. Let’s talk about the real flag bearer of that department- Lance Armstrong. Last week, after years of defiantly lying that he never used performance enhancers; Armstrong finally came clean. But, what really made us sure he was on drugs was his choice of platform for this admission. I mean if you’ve robbed a million people of their faith in you, scarred the sport forever and successfully struck off the letter V from the word Livestrong; a TV show where a black billionaire is pouncing on you seeking inside information is the last place you’d want to be. But, he chose that anyway.

Punjabi: France Di Tour

    Then it also made to news that Armstrong went teary-eyed during his confession to Oprah. Which is really hard to believe, considering he might have used performance-enhancing onions for that purpose.    

   But, i’ll be honest with you. His confession has hit me severely. It has become incredibly hard for me to trust any guy named Lance. For instance, I was playing GTA Vice City the other day, and in the game a drug dealer named Lance asked me to follow him. I totally freaked out and did this:

   Then last week flagged-off the Maha Kumbh at Allahabad too. A jaw-dropping figure of over 80 million people took a dip in the holy river on the opening day itself. Bathing in the holy Prayag at the Maha Kumbh is known to wash away your karmic debt as per the Hindu mythology. But going by the setting of it- waterside view, thousands of half-naked people and weed stuffed chillams in sight on and off-  it seems like Kumbh is to Sadhus what the Sunburn is to normal people. You know, like a place where all the sadhus can meet up once in few years to dance and chill out.

Kumbh meets Sunburn: DJ Tiesto spinning in Allahabad

   I’m sure going to hell for writing that. But then I can always visit one Kumbh before I die and wash all my karmic debt. I totally love my religion! 

   Leaving you with the real story behind the Armstrong fiasco:

He warned you.

 

Ande

Hello world,

   As Indians it has been some gratifying few days for us. For starters, we have Kareena Kapoor moving her embellished belly to a song named ‘Fevicol Se’. Nothing speaks more of creativity and lyrical value than a ballad like that. The song effortlessly touches your life, and unfortunately you can do nothing about it.

But the highlight of last week was our Parliament realizing that FDI is not a crime investigation agency like the FBI, but a proposed bill in the parliament. Consequence of which was a combat marked by hard hitting words like ‘Lauki’ (gourd) and ‘McAloo Tikki’ from both sides in the senate. Sushma Swaraj (not to confuse with the one from ‘Hema, Rekha, Jaya aur Sushma’), with her adept Hindi and well-timed references almost took her team home before Kapil Sibal barged in. In original fashion, he hid all facts under his triple chin and mammoth eyebrows; which is a lot of space when combined. Concentrating mostly on maligning the opposition, he still managed to make a point. The smaller players from UP- Mulayam (see translation) Singh and Mayawati (no translation), perfected the role of playing no role in the Lok Sabha as they opted to walk out without voting. Eventually the bill got passed in both the Houses. Everyone looks settled now, except the Mayans who had predicted the bill won’t pass and are pretty crushed after their prediction machinery failed again.

 Besides, December is here which brings in a lot of holidays and festivities. But before that, Dabangg 2 will release and make some 2,855 crore. In fact, it’s ironical to be releasing on 21^stof December 2012. For it is known DaBigBangg created this universe so it’s only appropriate DaBangg shall bring an end to it. End of universe, along with the certain end to good taste in movies, music and your belief in Bollywood films, forever. Watching the teasers without my glasses, it also looks like the first Indian movie featuring two male leads without a female one.Yes Salman Khan and Sonakshi Sinha, both are known to spellbound the audience with their  massive biceps and action sequences. I am also curious as to how will the shirt come off Salman’s torso this time. You can take this little poll about it.

   As I write this, I’m told of Pt. Ravi Shankar’s sad demise. OK nobody told me, I just googled it up. But that means one more from the entertainment industry is gone and this time it’s the gem from the crown. The music maestro’s extensive career includes award winning works like West meets East and The Sounds of India. But I think his best works were Anoushka Shankar and Norah Jones both of which got nominated for the Grammys in 2003. But now he’s gone. So although he was a Hindu which means his body would be burnt to ashes and not rested in a coffin, he still deserves the Rest in Peace, just because it’s the general convention.

   Well, moving on to something special that happened to me. This morning I went to my local Kirana store and bought a dozen eggs. I would like to share this special moment with all of you as that makes it a 12/12/12/12 for me.

‘Special memories are created on special moments.’

Moreover, that moment eating a half-fried egg at 06:43 p.m. on 12/12/12 isn’t happening again in my life. I think I’ll celebrate it. And the one after it and the one after it too, all of which are never going to happen in my life again. This kind of puts me in an infinite loop, but I’ll either manage or die celebrating. But before I die, I’ll kill the guy who said, ‘Each moment is special’, for he had no idea what he was saying.

THAT’S SPELLED ‘CONDOM OF SPEECH’

Hello world,

   Sorry for the crass topic name. But pretty interesting week this, nay? Rest in peace- Bal Thackeray and Ajmal Kasab. One of whom was respected and feared while the other was only feared. Yes, Kasab was the one with both. The respect was mostly given by poor biryani sellers who had their house running because of him. Other than that, Vijay Mallya died too. Or was it the other fat liquor baron sporting a similar Van Dyke beard? Alright, correction made, that was Ponty Chaddha. Which reminds me this isn’t really a good time for you if you’re a liquor lord with facial hair. Because if you are, you’ll either be taking bullets in your chest at a farmhouse in Delhi or potshots about an airline business that died.

   But that is not exactly what’s on my mind. I cannot write what’s exactly on my mind because of reasons which too, I cannot write here. I am writing this from a deserted village in East Columbia. The last line is a lie because I don’t want them to know I live in the same country as theirs or wait, oh God! Alright, delete this after you read it- they’ve already put one metro city under house arrest and put a couple of girls behind bars under Section ‘So you think it’s a democracy’ of the ‘We’ll also ransack your uncle’s hospital’ Act of 2012. And they are coming for you.

   I am not very sure, but in all probability the Shiv Sainiks considered Bal Thackeray the Voldemort of real world. Just in this case, Voldemort looked a lot more chic donning those

Say No More

wayfarers and had a nose, a really big one at that (see image). Still, he COULD NOT BE NAMED or talked about. Not even if it’s just a personal opinion. Not even if it’s only digital and is after his death. Not even if it’s exclusive to Facebook with customized privacy settings. No, just no. And don’t think you can go unnoticed, for the Shiv Sainiks have ‘a very particular set of skills, skills they’ve acquired over a very long career’; just like Liam Neeson from Taken (little video for a recall) . So if you want to post things online or go out to grab a meal on the day their Dark Lord died; well. Just stay inside and don’t touch your keys; of both the house and the computer.

   But on a lighter note, as an aftermath of Thackeray’s death, the globally acclaimed DJ trio Swedish House Mafia had to ‘delay’ their show for an indefinite period. I don’t follow them, but it really must have hurt a lot of  dhichik sentiments across Mumbai. Precisely because house music is just that- dhichik-dhichik. But very honestly, for me, Haldiram’s is the original ‘Sweet-dish house mafia’ where I can go whenever I want, irrespective of whosoever died. Yes, I’m serious. They are also great because when they say ‘delay’, it means 5 minutes.

   In other news, Anupam Kher was ecstatic after someone pointed out Ajmal Kasab got hanged on ‘A Wednesday‘. But I’m more worried about Kate Middleton being reported pregnant around the same time Kasab was hanged. I fear this could well be a case of reincarnation. Especially because Mr.Ajmal Kasab, just like the royal family- loved driving to 5 star hotels in swanky cars, visited foreign locales with a bang, had a fancy for good food and made news about anything and everything.

Anyway, it’s good finally the guy was brought to justice. But that doesn’t mean you can expect ‘Freedom of Speech’ so soon, simply because you’re aware you’re in India. But try to hold on for a while. They will all die some day, and if you’re still alive and don’t use a feeding tube, you’ll have the pleasure of speaking without the rubber cap.

( The writer borrowed a lot of balls from his male friends to write this. Acknowledge the effort.)

Patakhe

Hello world,

   So Diwali is finally here. And I know this because I’ve already started to get tagged in hundreds of Diwali pictures on Facebook that can be anything from diyas, rockets, candles, Virat Kohli etc. Basically anything that catches fire with little heat. Now, why I need something so futile to bring to my notice it’s Diwali? That’s because over the last few years, Diwali has decreased to a 3 day national trade fair unlike what I remember of it as a kid (which apparently wasn’t too long ago). So yesterday I woke up to bad breath, a hangover, and  a daily newspaper which had more advertisements than articles in it. But the bad part, apart from the breath, was that yesterday was Dhanteras, which conventionally is a day when Hindus buy anything that has metal in it. Now this isn’t exactly bad, whats terrible though is that without putting to use any common sense, every brand that managed any meager space in the dhanteras edition of the newspaper tried to convince the readers of how they really are the best buy for dhanteras. Now jewelry and utensils make sense to me, but if you ask me to buy your brand of trousers for dhanteras just because it has a metal alloy made fly on it; well. 

   But I am a realist. I don’t think the Gods would really want me to buy a utensil and then never actually use it because I rarely cook. So instead I bought the Metallica hit- Nothing else matters from iTunes. Thought about getting it for free from beemp3.com but then remembered that you have to BUY some metal. Sucks, I know.

Other than that, this Diwali also brings the year’s biggest movie. The one starring the king of  romance. The one for which all the ladies of our country and abroad have been waiting badly. Yes, you guessed it, Son of Sardar. Well, I know you are very excited, and so am I. Finally Ajay Devgn (notice the missing vowel, yes, that’s how he spells it) is doing the right kind of movies. This movie in particular is expected to be the sequel to Gangs of Wasseypur 2 where Ajay bhai will play Faizal Khan, also known as the son of Sardar Khan. 

   Well, that’s just the grumpy me, but a lot of people actually enjoy this festival of sweets, lights, and crackers. Yes, the guys who sell these sweets,lights and crackers. But I hope you too will somehow squeeze out a little fun from it. Maybe by going away from your friends to meet the relatives you just meet once a year and call mausi/chachi. But whatever you do, don’t forget to tag me in those ‘Happy Diwali’ pictures on Facebook so that it becomes my right to bite your eyes off. Happy Diwali!